The fact is, she probably never told us we have a choice, because she never knew she had a choice. In her generation it was just “something women did' after graduating from high school and getting married. It was part of the script. Many mothers even implied—by buying us baby dolls and such—that motherhood was a female’s innate roll, and something we should look forward to.
Then why are twice as many women today opting not to have children than thirty years ago? (U.S. Census shows that 20.4% of women over 40 were childless in 2004 vs. 10.2% in 1976.) The reasons are plentiful. These days more women attend college and enter a career after graduation as opposed to instant motherhood. So, by the time they are confronted with their waning “biological clock,' they have become accustomed to a pretty nice lifestyle sans children.
Additionally, the extra years have allowed some of these women—by observing friends and family wrestling with the traumas of parenthood—to become savvy to the fact that having children is not the fairytale it’s cracked up to be.
Several studies over the past 10 to 15 years show that children actually have a negative impact on parents’ happiness. Data cited by 2008's Gross National Happiness author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7% less likely to report being happy than the childless.
While happiness does spike while parents are expecting a baby, it sharply plummets after the child is born, reaching its lowest point when the child is a teen. When are parents the happiest? When their children leave home. But data from the National Survey of Families and Households shows that even “empty nesters' are less happy than those who never had children.
Being among the women who choose not to have children in this lifetime, I am fascinated with this growing group we call the “childfree,' and am writing a book that explores the many reasons we have chosen not to become parents as well as the issues we face for not following the norm.
I am conducting an online survey of adults without children, which has garnered over 2,600 responses from 46 countries around the world. The results—which include thousands of quotes, comments and anecdotes—have been enlightening, and reveal what a conscientious group the “childfree' are.
There are dozens of reasons a person may choose to forgo parenting, ranging from personal (“no time or patience') to societal (“the world is already too populated'), but my survey findings suggest there are five main reasons people choose not to procreate.
1) “I Don’t Have the Urge or Drive to Be a Parent'
According to my survey, the number one reason respondents to my survey say they do not or might not want children is that they “don’t have the urge or drive to be a parent.' This is an excellent reason, considering the time, sacrifice and 24/7/365 responsibility it takes to raise even one child for eighteen years.
As Elizabeth Gilbert warns us—when quoting her sister in Eat, Pray, Love—“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit." More men and women these days are admitting to themselves—and others—that they don’t have the desire it takes to make a lifelong commitment to parenting.
2) “I Don’t Want to Give Up My Lifestyle'
The second biggest reason people give for not wanting children is, “I would have to give up my lifestyle.' This is an understatement. As my neighbor said after having her first child, “Life as I knew it will never be the same.'
This is fine if you know in advance how completely life will change and have such a desire to have children that you willingly embrace those changes. We all know someone who seems born to be a soccer mom. But for some, the major adjustment comes as an unwelcome surprise.
Lifestyle changes that occur after having a child likely include: less time and money for your sports, hobbies and/or travel; inability to sleep the hours you choose; a once-peaceful home now bustling with noise and toys; and a new lack of freedom and spontaneity to do the things you choose.
Parenthood may also require that you: move to a safe neighborhood in a good school district; replace your home decor with baby-proof furnishings; cook kid-friendly meals and/or eat at family restaurants; taxi the kids to school and events; help with homework; replace adult shows with kiddie videos; and clean and launder more.
While many people welcome this lifestyle change, others know they would not be happy in a kid-centric life. Even if they like being around kids—which many do—the childfree would rather “give them back' at the end of the day than live with them.
3) “Childcare is Still the Woman’s Responsibility'
Need I tell you which spouse will be doing the lion’s share of the new work? You guessed it! Even in this modern era of “gender equality,' over 70% of the childcare is still performed by the woman. This is why—even after the number of working mothers spiked in the 1970s—their numbers have been falling since the late ‘90s.
Women are finding that being a “jack of all trades'—mother and workingwoman—means being a “master of none,' and both their career and children suffer. This is one of the reasons many career women—myself included—choose not to have children.
Some may think (like I used to), “Well, I’ll just hire a nanny!' But at closer observation, this is not the optimal way to raise a child, and several studies reveal the negative emotional effects of non-maternal childcare (i.e. daycare) on children. Thus, more women are forgoing the temptation to “have it all,' and are choosing between being a stay-at-home mom or a childfree career woman.
4) “It is Financially Restricting to Raise Children'
And what about the expense? Nanny or not, the third most cited reason not to have children is: “it is financially restricting.' Some couples are truly unaware of the cost to raise a child.
Times have changed since pre-industrial America when offspring were actually an asset to help parents work the family farm. Now that we are having kids more for emotional reasons, they offer us nothing more than an insatiable appetite for the newest pricey “tech toy.' From video games and iPods to computers and cell phones—none of today’s “must-haves' were even around when we were born!
According to babycenter.com’s “Cost of Raising Your Child Calculator," it will cost an average of $287,000 to raise a child born in 2009 in the U.S., not including college. That number goes up to almost $305,000 if you live in the Western U.S., and $356,000 if you include public college. (Mind you, this is per child!)
Obviously, if a couple has both the means and the motivation to pursue parenthood, it can work well. But if they are struggling to pay bills now—without a child—it might be unwise to start procreating. Not only will it make life more difficult for the mother, the father and the child, but financial woes are the number one cause of marital breakups.
5) “It Will Change My Relationship With My Spouse'
Not everyone is aware of the lifestyle changes before they jump on the baby bandwagon. The first thing that changes when the “bundle of joy' arrives home from the hospital is your relationship with your spouse.
For most women—perhaps due to maternal instincts—the child replaces the man as “number one' in her life, and romance goes out the window with the white couches. According to many new mothers, sex is either put on the shelf for six months, or it becomes a rare-but-scheduled event.
As one anonymous first-time mother confessed in a Times Online article: “I felt we had wrecked not only a perfectly good relationship, but a perfect relationship. Little chores that used to be acts of love became venom-loaded. As for the physical act of love, it just didn’t happen. Aside from the exhaustion, neither of us felt loving enough. All the kissing was for chunky-thighed, gap-toothed Oscar.'
While some procreate in order to “solidify' their relationship with their spouse, many new mothers are surprised to find the opposite occur—as the child often comes between them. Then later, they may disagree with their spouse on how to discipline the child(ren), a problem which—my parents proved—can become a key factor in divorce.
6) “All of the Above'
In my case, I kept putting off motherhood in favor of being a career woman until my late 30s when it was time to confront the proverbial “clock' with my partner. Neither of us had the burning desire to have children, though I always thought I would “someday.' We like our relationship the way it is, and we like our lifestyle as “THINKERS' (two healthy incomes no kids early retirement). So—after observing how difficult it is to parent these days, and how drastically it would change our lives—we made the decision to buck the trend and stay “kidfree.'
It was by far the biggest decision I’ve ever made, and—in hindsight—I’m glad I took the time to think it through. People said I might regret it, but I haven’t yet, and—now in my late 40s—don’t think I will. Best of all, it was empowering to discover that I—along with millions of other childless women—do have a choice!
About the author:
Kaye Walters is a freelance writer in Santa Barbara, who is writing a book called Kidfree & Lovin’ It for those who are childless by choice or by chance. She has been interviewed on the “childfree' subject for the Boston Globe and WebMD. Her online survey for adults without children can be found on her website: http://www.kidfreeandlovinit.com/